1. I've not eaten bananas since 2008 because someone told me that every banana has as much calories as 10 bowls of rice and my banana intake stopped right there and then.
2. I want to own a dog but I have this crazy crazy fear of dogs. I'm like really scared it bites my leg off or something.
3. Even though school has started, I still cannot decide which poly to go to and I have to decide by monday and I feel like I'm going mad. I've been given so so so much time (3 months more than everybody) and I've been accepted into Tp like so many times already but there's just something that's holding me back and wanting me to stay in Np. I don't want to make the wrong decision again and it seems like Np is the wrong decision but I don't really want to leave either and in conclusion I am so so so stressed out, I feel my pimples coming out.
My first week in Np was terrible, I was always getting lost in the school, I feel like I'm always alone and I hate the feeling of being a loner and I actually think the reason why I want to go to Tp is because I know more people there, but i've gotta be strong and learn how to stand on my own 2 feet but I'm feeling so weak now, I can't. The bus ride to and fro Np is another minus point because it is also so super freaking long and I know it's not as if Tp is any nearer but somehow I feel that it is.
Basically, I think i should go to the course I want to do and not base my life on the school and the friends in there anymore but I'm really so clueless and 90% of me regrets my decision to go to poly like crazy and I wish I went to a jc because honestly, i really don't know what I want to do in life and I don't want to waste my 3 years.
The reason I think I should go to Tp is because I've been accepted there so many times already and I feel like I'm meant to be there. It's like fate is giving me so many chances and I'm rejecting it. However, I feel like I should stay in Np because the course in Np is more broad and since I don't know what I want to do yet, I should not do something so narrow because if I decide that that's not what I want to do, my 3 years will truly be wasted but then again, I don't like Np and I'm dreading going to school every single morning. It's so bad to the extent that I don't want to sleep at night, because I don't want to wake up to go to school. I don't know if it's because I actually dislike the school or if I'm just not used to waking up early and going to school. After 5 months of holidays, It's definitely hard to adapt back.
I'm feeling so home sick and sad everyday when I go to school, I've actually lost 2kg. Seriously, LOL to that. This is my absolute last chance to change my life and I really want it to be the right choice. Honestly, is deciding what course/poly to go to such a difficult job? I don't think it is but why can't I decide?
Then again, I don't really want to go to Tp because everybody is into their second week and all the cliques are formed already and it is going to be so hard to just join a clique. They've all got this bond betweeen them already and if I suddenly join them, it'll be hard for me and them. But then again, it's not as if I actually have a clique in np too. I'm pretty much all over the place, sticking to my orientation group like crazy even though we are all in different modules. I've even skipped so many lectures just because I'm such a loner in ngeeann. I feel like pointing the middle finger at myself, I mean come on Nicole WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! The thing is, if others can make friends and enjoy their poly life, why can't I?
Also, if I leave np, it'll be a very hard task for some people because in a few modules, we've formed groups for team work already and if i suddenly leave them, they will have so much more work to do and it will be really unfair of me. Told you group work is just a bad thing for me. I also don't know how to break it to the friends I actually have in Np that I'm leaving. I feel like a wimp, and I truly don't know the real reason why i want to leave. Is it becasue of the course or the friends or the school or the distance or what?!! I guess no body but myself can answer that question.
I've also always wanted to do tourism (the course i got into) for a very very long time but my folks were quite againgst it and I think somehow they mind screwed me into losing the passion for it. Now i would rather business but I cannot get into it unless I remain in Np but I mean maybe I will end up enjoying tourism more than business. Business is more maths I guess and everybody knows I just cannot do maths. There's also poa in business which is just wth. Poa, again!!!!! I hate poa. Tourism I guess is more people oriented but if i can't even handle making friends in poly, how am I going to handle people in the future. I'm also such a disorganised person, so is tourism really for me?
I guess it's pretty pointless ranting to a blog where there's no tag board or comments section for anyone to reply me. I just want to let everything out and re read and re read it and maybe I will sorta have a clue of what I want to do.
In conclusion, If im leaving Np just because of the distance/friends/school then i'm just a wimp. There's always gonna be mountains in life and I've just gotta be strong and cross it confidently and independently. I think i've been too sheltered in life and I just can't handle hard ship. I've gotta find the real reason to why I want to leave Np. If I feel that tourism is what I want to do, then i've just gotta be a man (although i'm a girl) and just do it! Its' all for the course and I've got to enjoy what i'm doing. No point suffering and cursing and hating every moment in my life. I wish I had a trial of tourism for just a week and then I'll decide but duhhh, it cannot be done.
I've got to stop being a sheltered brat and decide what I want to do properly!!!!! Or maybe i've just gotta find what made me remain in Np even though I got accecpted in Tp business last time. I wish I could take a peek into my futurre. 1 minute is all i need. Then again, its only week 1 in Ngeeann and maybe next week will be better? Then again, maybe Tp will be terrible. What will I do then???? AGKKKKKKKKKKK
Someone please give me some logical advice because I'm so tired of thinking already, I wish I could just quit school. Please, I just need a counselor. Message or Twitter me your comments. Facebook won't work because I privated my wall. Ahahaa
Wow first time I've let everything out. Like EVERYTHING. I feel emptier inside now (: If you've read till here, thanks for lasting all the way! xo, Nicole
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